I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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