This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
