Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
