winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
