made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
