brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
