My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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