I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
