I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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