saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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