You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
