whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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