Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
