Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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