Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
