I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
