I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
