I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
