I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
