just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
you made out with another girl for some wings
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
