I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
