two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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