I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
