One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
