I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
