So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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