This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
