you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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