Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
