Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
