if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
