I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
