thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Randomize
