I wish my penis had an off switch
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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