i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
