i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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