having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
My vagina just recognized that song.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
