not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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