are you still at the devil's house?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
