youre lurking in front of me
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
