alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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