someone threw a dead crab at me
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
