my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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