Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
