even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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