i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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