I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
