I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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