Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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