The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
