i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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